“How do I get my nine-year-old daughter to school? She seems to have tummy aches or headaches constantly, and misses several days of school each week. Any suggestion that she must go and she screams and cries and seems to be genuinely afraid of going to school. What can we do?”

You need to be firm with her. Don’t count on the problem going away if you ignore it. She could end up not ever going back.

Still, you need to realize that her feelings are real. Showing anger won’t help either of you.

She may have one of three conditions that you need to determine: school phobia (fear of going to school), separation anxiety (fear of leaving you or your home, or agoraphobia (fear of crowded and public places).

Talk with her teachers. She might be having trouble on the way to school such as bullying, embarrassment, or abused. These things could also be happening once she gets to school. Identify the problems so that you can work with her on them.

Make a doctor appointment for a complete examination. Explain the whole situation to him so he can look for serious illness.

Once the doctor has done this, believe him! Do not chase after ever more expensive tests. From this point onwards your assumption is that the child is well and so should be in school. Give her firm and confident reassurance that both she and you will be fine when she is there. If she complains again of being unwell you then have two options:

First, get her to school unless you determine that she truly is sick. In that case she would be running a fever, or have nausea and/ or diarrhea, etc. If she just tells you she doesn’t feel well, that isn’t enough to let her stay home. Adults often go to work with uncomfortable symptoms.

Option two is to believe what she says. If she claims to be too sick to attend school, then she is too sick to be up at home. Make sure she gets into bed. Turn off the lights, close the curtains, don’t let her watch TV and don’t bring her any snacks. Just maintain your daily routine. Make staying home a complete bore. If she isn’t asleep then she could be doing her homework. She definitely shouldn’t have friends visit.

Along with this, set up clear incentives (rewards, privileges) for getting to school.

Resolve to stick to your guns, but do it calmly. Make it known that you expect her to attend school but don’t fight with her. Your goal is to make her want to go, and soon. As soon as she goes and learns that both of you are doing fine while she is there, then her depression and anxiety should go away.

If you have no luck with these techniques and fear that she may be seriously depressed or anxious, then call your doctor for a professional referral.

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